Personal Village: How to Have People in Your Life by Choice, not Chance
Book review by Eric Miller
Part of the wonder of cities is having people in your life by chance. Jane Jacobs talked about her urban neighbors thus: "You want them to be there, but not in your hair." Personal Village is about the other people in your community, and how you can have them in your life by choice. While author Marvin Thomas follows that sentence by adding, not chance, I have to think there is necessarily some element of chance in the people you have in your life.
This book is about community, what it is, how it forms, and how you can build your own community to enhance your life. Thomas calls the people we interact with in a variety of ways our personal community. Too often we interact with people completely by chance. We know them from work, grew up with them, knew them as a friend of a friend or a family member. Today not everyone has the luxury of being near childhood friends or family, yet the desire for rewarding friendships and personal relationships is as strong as ever. This personal community, Thomas says, should be approached with a plan.
Many readers will already know the experience of moving to a new city and the overwhelming task of building new friendships--your personal village. Thomas gives some guidance on how to do this, including finding the people who do things that interest you, finding a hangout and becoming a regular, and making brief appearances in different places to establish familiarity.
It is not uncommon to live next to neighbors we don't know. It is not uncommon to pass by cafes and restaurants we don't patronize, to be near churches we don't attend, and to be living above meetings we don't bother to attend, though people there may be discussing matters that affect us closely. Thomas points out that when people take part in these public events--work to build their personal community--they not only enrich their lives, they live longer.
Thomas discusses different places you can go to build your personal community. A commons is a place like a park or cafe--anyone is welcome to sit, wander, or play. A fellowship is a place where people who share a common reason for being together congregate. Other kinds of places that may offer more meaningful interaction include a salon and a coterie.
Thomas also offers a simple ten ways to improve your sense of community. They include:
- Wander around in your natural territory
- Learn, remember, and use names
- Establish regular ritual gatherings
- Create or search out and attend celebrations
- Play together, using the Principle of Seven: keep showing up--after approximately seven appearances, you will be considered a regular
- Treat every person you meet with warmth, graciousness, and openness
- Welcome every person you meet as an important person
- Hang out with folks who share your values and interests
- Join or start a coterie--a small group of people who all know each other and agree to meet regularly to give each other support
- Participate: get involved in the activities of your community, and take leadership responsibility to get things started.
Much has been written about the lonely city. Marvin Thomas shows us it need not be that way. The people around us can be our support and we can help each other enrich our lives. Personal Village is an instruction manual of sorts explaining how we can achieve the community and relationships we long for.
